The Taste of Failure

Throughout my time at UCA, I never dropped or failed a class. Never ever.  The thought just simply didn't ever cross my mind.  However, about November, I got a brilliant idea that I would take Trigonometry as a college course to better my math skills so that I could take more advanced science classes.  When I say brilliant, that is very very sarcastic.  To say the least, I was taking this class online and simply could not do it.  Alex, my genius fiance, couldn't do it either, which just solidified the fact that I was going to FAIL.  So I decide to drop the class Saturday.  The last day to drop the class and get your money back was Friday.  Yep, a day late and about $300 short.  Oh well, you live and you learn I guess.  What did I learn? Don't be an idiot and think you can take College Trigonometry online; or Don't pay for your class in full before you know that you can do it or not? Ha.  Anyways, I failed at my mission of getting better at math.  It sucks.  I did get a little better, just not as much as I would have liked.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking lately.  I've got time for that while I set at one practice or the other.  Sometimes I feel like I not only failed at that math class, but that I failed myself a little.  Should I have gone to grad school right after graduation?  Should I be in some other state, scraping change, and pursuing my masters?  What would I want to do?  What could I do? What am I smart enough for?  I want to go back to school, but why? How? When? For what?  Four out of nine of my classmates hold a GA position and are pursuing masters.  I'm the only one employed as an athletic trainer.  The others all hold down jobs outside of the athletic training field.  Did I fail myself by not leaving? Did my stubbornness ruin my chances of ever advancing out of the high school realm of athletic training?  Day in and out these thoughts are running through my head, ceaselessly seeking answers that I can not find.  Often I find myself distracted by these thoughts.  The fact that I can't find the answers right now stresses me even more.  I need a guidance counselor for life.  But I guess it is all a part of growing up, of becoming a better person and woman.  To question yourself, to ask if you are doing all that you can do for yourself and for your family.  I strive to be the best person, friend, co-worker, and fiance that I can be everyday.  I hope it is good enough for now.  I know that it will get better!